Thursday, January 21, 2010

#1: Mark Eichhorn

This is the face of a man who is taking a shit somewhere that he should not be taking a shit. And he knows it.

#2: Steve Bedrosian

Bedrosian successfully reached first base nine consecutive times using his patented "Yes, I'm looking at you" stare during a memorable run at downtown Philly's Grace Tavern in the fall of 1986.

Friday, January 15, 2010

2010 Hall of Fame Elections

We here at The Hrbek List would like to express our deepest condolences to Hrbek Listers Bert Blyleven (#23) and Jack Morris (#11), neither of whom were voted by the writers into the Hall of Fame this year.

Blyleven has been eligible for induction into the Hall of Fame since 1998 and is the only retired pitcher with 3,000 strikeouts not to have been voted in. He is fifth on the all-time strikeout list, ninth on the all-time shutout list and once said the word "fuck" twice during a live on air broadcast in his capacity as play by play announcer for the Minnesota Twins. This year, he received 74.2% of the ballot, missing induction by only 5 votes. It was the closest vote ever.

Morris has been eligible since 2000. He is the winningest pitcher of the 1980's and is most remembered for this three starts in the 1991 World Series against the Atlanta Braves. During those starts, he went 2-0 including a 10 inning Game 7 shutout that clinched the series for the Twins. Morris was named MVP. He is also a Mormon.

Here's wishing you much better luck next year, Bert. Jack Morris can eat some shit. Go Braves.

Monday, December 14, 2009

#3: Mark Davidson

As we waited in line to take our baseball card pictures, I couldn't help but chuckle a little when the photographer asked Mark to smile. Mark Davidson? Smile? Not likely. Some say he's just quiet, others think he's got problems at home, but I know the truth. I'll never forget what happened that day. When he gets that faraway look in his eye, I know what he's looking at. The same thing I am. Some things you can't unsee.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

#4: Von Hayes

Affectionately referred to as "Vonzie" or simply "The Vonz" by his teammates, Hayes once told manager Lee Elia to "sit on it" during a routine mound visit in the sixth inning of a 1988 game against the New York Mets. Shortly after the game, an incensed Elia informed Hayes that he would be designated for a 3-day assignment with the AAA Maine Phillies as punishment for his insubordination, to which Hayes responded, "Aaaaay!" Fans point to either this incident or the time that Hayes jumped over a shark while waterskiing as the moment when his career began its downward trajectory, eventually resulting in his retirement in 1992.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

#5: Jim Gantner

"What do I have to do to put you into a certified pre-owned Subaru Outback today?"

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

#6: Gene Larkin

Playing for the Minnesota Twins: So easy a caveman could do it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

#7: Dick Schofield

In 1988, Schofield played in 155 games while batting .239 with 6 homeruns and 34 RBI. He was a withdrawn, distrustful, and fearful person, always looking around, worried about what would come next.

In 1989, Schofield saw action in just 91 games and batted a paltry .228 with only 4 homeruns and 26 RBI. But you know what? He was finally happy. And sometimes, that's all that matters.

#8: Andy McGaffigan

"Hey! Hey, wait just a darn minute here!"
"Easy, Mr. McGaffigan, now what seems to be the problem?"
"That guy was out! Out by a mile!"
"Mr. McGaffigan, this is a post office. And it's 2009. And you've been drinking."

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

#9: Tim Wallach

"Hey guys! I heard about the party tonight! Is it cool if I come around nine? My mom made us some homemade Pepsi! It's a little thick, but the price is right!"
"Oh . . . uh . . . actually Tim, the party was last Friday. You should definitely come to the next one, though! See ya later!"
(alone, now) "Damn these braces!!!!!"

#10: Mickey Hatcher

"I know you're up to something, Hatcher, and it's only a matter of time before I find out what. Now, you can either tell me now, or we can do this the hard way . . . . . You prefer the hard way, then? I thought you might say that. Fetch the clamps, Dr. Sellers, this will not be pleasant."

#11: Jack Morris

The Jack Morris species is characterized by having baleen plates, rather than teeth, for filtering food from water. The baleen, located in the upper jaw, are flat, flexible plates with frayed edges, having the appearance of combs of thick hair. Baleen is not bone, but is composed of keratin, the same substance as hair, horn, claws, and nails. From the 11th to the late 20th centuries, Jack Morris was hunted commercially for both his oil and baleen. The oil was used to make margarine and cooking oils, whilst the baleen was used to stiffen corsets, as parasol ribs, and to crease paper.

#12: George Bell

"You want me to play where? Toronto? I don't know what that is, but they better have coke."

#13: Juan Berenguer

Led the league in enchiritos consumed from 1987-1991.

#14: Todd Burns

"God, I really do not feel like going through these numbers today."
"Just give it to Burns in accounting, he'll do it."
"You know, Todd Burns in accounting. He has that cube by the bathroom on the 3rd floor."
"Oh right. Todd Burns. I think I had sex with his wife at the Christmas party last year."
"Huh. I thought he was gay."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

#15: Joe Orsulak

Once killed a man with only his bear hands, which he got by killing a bear with his bare hands.

#16: Jay Howell

In 1989, the Down Syndrome League was merged with the Major League and players like Jay Howell were finally given the opportunity to play at the highest level.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

#17: Jim Eisenreich

Too sexy, Jim Eisenreich! Too sexy!

#18: Mike Brumley

I went to elementary school with a guy who looked like Mike Brumley. He used to sit in the back of the class. When everybody else was shooting wasps made out of paper, he made them out of paper clips. Dirty pool, Mike Brumley. Dirty pool.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

#19: Carney Lansford

"Sure mister, you could try n' make it all the way up to Ellijay, but the distributor cap on your second right spark plug is all cracked n' this is the last fillin' station for 'bout 45 miles. 'Course, I can fix 'er up for you now, but it'll cost ya."

#20: Kevin McReynolds

Kevin, if you're going to wear the flip-up sunglasses, why wear them on top of your head above your hat brim? It makes no sense.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

#21: Ron Hassey

A little known rider to Jose Canseco's Oakland A's contract required that his fatter, dumber brother be signed to the team as well.

#22: Eddie Whitson

A classic angry pitching face.

Also his fucking face.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

#23: Bert Blyleven

"I've looked into the eye of this island. And what I saw was beautiful."

#24: Paul Gibson

When my roommate Mark saw this card, he described Paul Gibson as "A real milquetoast."

Monday, September 14, 2009

#25: Steve Balboni

Led the American League three years straight in looking exactly like his name sounds.

#26: Kevin Elster

"What's so funny, Mr. Elster? Would you like to share it with the rest of the class?"

Friday, August 28, 2009

#27: Jeff Robinson

Looks way cooler throwing a baseball than he does smiling awkwardly up and to the right of the camera.

#28: Rob Ducey

Fun fact: Ducey is the only Canadian-born Major League Baseball player ever to marry a former Miss Venezuela all while looking like a 16 year old. Well done, indeed.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009